Overcome With Peace: a true story of hope

by Ani Vidrine

Brandi and Sydnie 2020

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Brandi is no stranger to the reality of death and its impact. As a licensed clinical social worker of over 20 years, she has shared many tender moments at the bedside of a dying person and offered her strong, consoling presence to their loved ones. Yet, this reality did not equip her to face her raw fear when the life of her own child was threatened. It was grace that intervened.

When Brandi’s daughter, Sydnie, was 11 months old, she received the devastating diagnosis of a rare type of preleukemia, specifically myelodysplastic syndrome, which usually affects individuals 60 years of age and older. One day they heard the news, the next day Sydnie was hospitalized with a mediport inserted, and the following day chemo started. It was a whirlwind.

The whole process seemed to happen overnight, but in reality, Sydnie had been undergoing testing for the past three months that kept showing up inconclusive. It was through the diligence of an oncologist who ordered a bone marrow biopsy that the reality of the situation was discovered. This was actually the second diagnosis to which Brandi and her husband were adjusting. It was not until Sydnie was born that her condition of Down’s Syndrome was revealed.

The stress of Sydnie’s illness was overwhelming for Brandi, who was also caring for Sydnie’s 3 1/2 year old sister, Sophie. The possibility of Sydnie’s imminent death was at the forefront of Brandi’s mind, causing her to have a difficult time sleeping. It was an emotional roller coaster. Brandi and her husband took turns working, caring for Sophie, and staying at the hospital with Sydnie. Extended family filled in the gaps. The chemo treatments required Sydnie to be in the hospital for a week at time. One stay was for 21 days, during which Sydnie could not sleep and would bite people. She couldn’t speak, and so she could not communicate that she was in bone pain. Biting was the way she vented her suffering. This ordeal lasted for seven months, 90 days of which Sydnie was in the hospital. Brandi said, “Yeah, we called it jail.”

Two or three months into Sydnie’s treatment, Brandi began taking solace in journaling. Her fear was all-consuming, and so she sought the relief of expressing her feelings in words. What happened next was totally unexpected. In Brandi’s own words,

“I was sitting in the hospital room in the rocker, and I was journaling my fears, the fear of, ‘Is she going to live or die?’ So, all of a sudden I felt almost like a presence, and I heard, ‘Everything’s going to be okay. She’s going to be fine.’ I was overcome with peace. That’s the best way I can explain it. And after that, it was like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of me. I don’t have to worry about this anymore. You know, He’s got it.”

Brandi shared that after that experience, she never worried about whether the cancer was going to take Sydnie’s life, despite setbacks in her daughter’s recovery. Through tears she told me, “”I just knew she was going to be fine. All the worry was just gone instantly. It was an amazing feeling.”

As Brandi later processed the event, she realized that it happened during a time when she wasn’t really praying or asking for help; yet she felt touched by a Power greater than herself, tenderly held and seen. It was pure grace. Brandi reflected, “Even in the worse times, you’re not alone. You know, it made me feel like that — even though you may feel alone, you’re not.” Going forward, Brandi realized that she could let go of trying to manage things by herself or taking on the world’s problems solo. She was left with a deep conviction that God is with her.

“Give up anger, give up pride, and free yourself from worldly bondage.” The Dhammapada 17:221

The peace that she was graced to receive during this lengthy ordeal also inspired Brandi to open her heart of compassion for others. She felt grateful for the people who supported her in this adversity, but originally felt angry and hurt by the people who didn’t. In this newfound state of calm surrender, Brandi was now able to offer forgiveness and restorative hospitality of spirit.

This unsolicited blessing of serenity changed Brandi’s outlook on everything. Looking back over 10 years later, having persevered through other trials, including her own health problems and the death of Sydnie’s father, Brandi mused, “If God was able to get me through the most difficult time in my life, then He can get me through these other things that are not nearly as difficult.”

“He is the Lord of Love who reigns over all life.” The Shvetashvatara Upanishad 5:5

You are not alone, dear soul. Take heart.